Glad you’ll be here for Mothers Day with us. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to figure out how to reply to you here. I’m new to Substack. I’m interested to hear how you got started with it.
Liz, this is such refreshing writing. I've heard about this newish "faith deconstruction" movement. I suppose I was doing something like that in my memoir before the term "exvangelical" had been coined. I appreciate how you recognize that everyone is on a journey, that many are seeking freedom from pain, and that the answers aren't simple.
As you say, leaving academe is very much like losing one's faith. So many things that make sense within academe simply make no sense outside of it. There were two stages to me losing the Christian faith I'd been raised with. The first was an experience in Uruguay when I was a first-time teacher shouldering a ridiculous load (46 contact hours per week) after the friend I'd gone there to see was hospitalized for depression. I was isolated from a faith community, and even after I sought support in a local church, none of the usual strategies worked -- prayer felt like talking to myself, worship seemed hollow and meaningless. The only thing that worked was running, which I did nearly to the point of self-harm until I was able to negotiate a departure seven months into my teaching. I had never heard of burnout, but it was the first time I hadn't been able to finish something I'd started, and I simply could not reintegrate into the evangelical circles I'd frequented before that experience. This led to the second stage, which was reading figures like Christopher Hitchens with a truly open mind. I think Hitchens and Dawkins are occasionally petty and spiteful, but much of what they say resonates with me. At least, I see no intellectual path back to religious belief, even though I can't resist writing about it (as I did just this week with a tribute to Anne Bradstreet). This is much like how I feel about academe now. There's no going back, I don't think -- I've lost faith in many of the systems and structures that prop it up, and I don't see my true belief in ideas or art reflected in many institutional priorities. But I still have a hunger for the community and intellectual growth that I once found in academe. Words like fellowship and communion capture precisely what I sought at a private liberal arts college. Substack helps fill that void somewhat, but it's not really enough.
I'm not sure that answers any of the questions you raise. But I'm glad that we can support each other on this long hike through strange woods.
I am so grateful for this comment. I was wondering what your reaction to this piece would be! "Words like fellowship and communion capture precisely what I sought at a private liberal arts college." I agree--something about an unquestioning belonging, a sense that you are part of a family or a tradition.
I suppose one of the uncertainties in this transition, for me, has been whether I ever believed in something real in academe. If so, it would be worth trying to find again somewhere else. If not, I need to adjust my expectations. This is one of those perennial themes in burnout literature. Jonathan Malesic and other like to say that sky-high expectations are the problem. Expect less, and you'll be happier. (Thomas Carlyle took this to an extreme: "So true is it, what I then said, that the Fraction of Life can be increased in value not so much by increasing your Numerator as by lessening your Denominator. Nay, unless my Algebra deceive me, Unity itself divided by Zero will give Infinity. Make thy claim of wages a zero, then; thou hast the world under thy feet.") But I am constitutionally and irredeemably a Romantic. I need an ideal to guide me. Still in search of that next big thing.
I am moved by your raw and real writing here Liz. I subscribed so I could read this article- the title intrigued me. Love you Sister~
Oh, thank you so much, Beth!!! This comment means so much to me. Thank you for meeting me here.
I am happy to. :)
Glad you’ll be here for Mothers Day with us. I’ve had a heck of a time trying to figure out how to reply to you here. I’m new to Substack. I’m interested to hear how you got started with it.
Liz, this is such refreshing writing. I've heard about this newish "faith deconstruction" movement. I suppose I was doing something like that in my memoir before the term "exvangelical" had been coined. I appreciate how you recognize that everyone is on a journey, that many are seeking freedom from pain, and that the answers aren't simple.
As you say, leaving academe is very much like losing one's faith. So many things that make sense within academe simply make no sense outside of it. There were two stages to me losing the Christian faith I'd been raised with. The first was an experience in Uruguay when I was a first-time teacher shouldering a ridiculous load (46 contact hours per week) after the friend I'd gone there to see was hospitalized for depression. I was isolated from a faith community, and even after I sought support in a local church, none of the usual strategies worked -- prayer felt like talking to myself, worship seemed hollow and meaningless. The only thing that worked was running, which I did nearly to the point of self-harm until I was able to negotiate a departure seven months into my teaching. I had never heard of burnout, but it was the first time I hadn't been able to finish something I'd started, and I simply could not reintegrate into the evangelical circles I'd frequented before that experience. This led to the second stage, which was reading figures like Christopher Hitchens with a truly open mind. I think Hitchens and Dawkins are occasionally petty and spiteful, but much of what they say resonates with me. At least, I see no intellectual path back to religious belief, even though I can't resist writing about it (as I did just this week with a tribute to Anne Bradstreet). This is much like how I feel about academe now. There's no going back, I don't think -- I've lost faith in many of the systems and structures that prop it up, and I don't see my true belief in ideas or art reflected in many institutional priorities. But I still have a hunger for the community and intellectual growth that I once found in academe. Words like fellowship and communion capture precisely what I sought at a private liberal arts college. Substack helps fill that void somewhat, but it's not really enough.
I'm not sure that answers any of the questions you raise. But I'm glad that we can support each other on this long hike through strange woods.
I am so grateful for this comment. I was wondering what your reaction to this piece would be! "Words like fellowship and communion capture precisely what I sought at a private liberal arts college." I agree--something about an unquestioning belonging, a sense that you are part of a family or a tradition.
I suppose one of the uncertainties in this transition, for me, has been whether I ever believed in something real in academe. If so, it would be worth trying to find again somewhere else. If not, I need to adjust my expectations. This is one of those perennial themes in burnout literature. Jonathan Malesic and other like to say that sky-high expectations are the problem. Expect less, and you'll be happier. (Thomas Carlyle took this to an extreme: "So true is it, what I then said, that the Fraction of Life can be increased in value not so much by increasing your Numerator as by lessening your Denominator. Nay, unless my Algebra deceive me, Unity itself divided by Zero will give Infinity. Make thy claim of wages a zero, then; thou hast the world under thy feet.") But I am constitutionally and irredeemably a Romantic. I need an ideal to guide me. Still in search of that next big thing.