How the COVID-19 pandemic contributed to my departure from academia, part 1

It helped me quit in all the ways you think it did . . . but in other ways as well

Disclaimer and content warning: This piece is about the COVID-19 pandemic. Not only that, it’s about a recent research paper describing positive growth experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic, which may strike you as insensitive or privileged. Also, I cannot evaluate this paper as a peer, as I’m not knowledgable about the field of Psychology, their journals, or qualitative methods.

The pandemic was an accelerant for career disconnection and discontent.

I’ve often attributed my departure from my faculty position in part to the pandemic.

How could I not? Whether or not “The Great Resignation” was really a thing in academia, you are probably familiar with the litany of COVID-19 pandemic-related complaints from university faculty. I was fortunate not to be an administrator, but still had to figure out how to teach online in the middle of the semester, how to keep my lab group running, and how to move research forward when we could no longer meet in person and most of my lab group wasn’t allowed on campus.

My department chair was an excellent leader, and we were able to protect our plants, cell lines, and other research materials in the days leading up to the shut-down. But many of the decisions made by upper level administrators made clear what the university’s priorities were—and faculty and their research programs were not even in the top 10. The university reminded us to check in on our trainees’ and students’ mental health, to give them grace and understanding and comfort during this scary time—good and much-needed advice, of course—but I do not recall our own energy or health ever being considered in those first few months. We were just a commodity to be managed in service to the university. And, while we received a great deal of advice, support, and guidance for teaching remotely—again, very good and very useful—there was nothing offered to help us manage our research programs remotely.

I was also “helping” my 4^th grader “learn” online, worrying about washing produce and whether we should be sterilizing our mail, fretting about the health of my aging parents and of course, terrified and sad for everyone less protected than we were. In so many ways, it was a terrible time.

For some, the pandemic also accelerated personal growth.

Yet, I don’t think my experience of the pandemic was purely negative. I don’t mean this in a “tough times are positive because they brought me to my current happy place” way. I mean that some of what happened was, in the moment, good for me. For the most part, I’ve pushed these thoughts away, reluctant to consider ways in which I benefitted from a scenario where others were (and continue to be) so damaged. But last month, I saw a new paper promoted on social media, and felt a jolt of recognition:

Screenshot of the paper under discussion.

The authors conducted interviews with 49 people during the spring and summer of 2020 who said they had “experienced positive personal growth or transformation so far during the pandemic”. Below are their conclusions, copied directly from the paper:

During the data analysis, five themes were identified as occurring within and across each participant interview. . .

(1) pre-pandemic life as functionally complacent—participants reflected on their lives before the pandemic and identified either an avoidance or a lack of awareness of something in their life that needed to be addressed to help them grow or heal;

(2) the unexpected loss of coping strategies and familiar rhythms due to lockdown—participants described a sudden and unchosen change in their lives due to restrictions and lockdowns, increasing awareness about how they coped with distress or avoided their inner world;

(3) choice to engage with emotion and discomfort as a means to experience growth—participants described actively choosing to turn towards the parts of themselves which they had previously avoided or been distracted from, but had become aware of;

(4) discovering and embracing an authentic sense of self —following the choice to engage with one’s self meaningfully, the participants reported experiencing a sense of being connected to themselves more fully, resulting in having confidence, connection, and compassion to those around them, even in the midst of difficult circumstances; and

(5) integration of the growth through sharing with others—although aware of others’ suffering, the participants found sharing growth experiences with others solidified and further expanded their experience of growth and transformation.

I don’t have any knowledge or experience with the field of psychology or with the approach described here, so I can’t vouch for the reproducibility or applicability of the findings. Also, as the authors note, the interviews were conducted early on in the pandemic, and conclusions might be different in a long-term analysis.

All the above being said, these themes resonate with me. I’ve gone through some of these same steps, but in a much more subconscious and drawn out way:

(1) “pre-pandemic life as functionally complacent”. Before the COVID-19 pandemic I knew I was unhappy in my faculty position, and I often dreamed of quitting, but the only action I took was to apply for similar jobs at other institutions and in other countries. I was having so much success that it felt like I just needed to make some small adjustment and things would fall into place. I was also surrounded by people who were doing well and enjoying faculty life—and if they could be happy, why couldn’t I?

(2) “increasing awareness about how they coped with distress or avoided their inner world”. I remember this incredible sense of freedom in the late spring of 2020, when more and more of my travel was cancelled and the number of Zoom meetings slowed down. This deep sense of relief made me wonder—why hadn’t I noticed that I wanted to stop doing so much? I remember saying to a friend that I hoped I would remember this when things started back up. I didn’t forget, but I also didn’t act on that revelation for several years.

(3) “choice to engage with emotion and discomfort as a means to experience growth” Here is where my story diverges from the story of those in this study. That spring and summer, I didn’t do much more than acknowledge that I was happy to travel less, and that I liked working from home. In my defense, there was a lot else going on. I chose not to engage then, but I am doing it now. And now I know that the COVID-19 pandemic taught me many lessons that I was simply not willing to face right away.

More on these lessons in the next newsletter.

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Discussion Section

• Do you know anything about this paper or these methods?

• Can you point to any personal positive growth that came out of the COVID-19 pandemic?